OCEAN

I want to live near the ocean (or a lake at best). The smell of the salty water along the breeze. The sound of the waves crashing against the shore. I went to Point Pelee over the summer and just stood at the southernmost point in Canada. Just stood at the tip. Didn't take any photos. (Photos don't capture the furious ocean in all its glory anyway). Wallpapers on computers don't capture it enough (they're all beautiful and pinks and blues when really the ocean is a vast, deep, dark, wonder that isn't pretty- it's powerful and mighty.) And since I can't have the photos to capture all of the glory and power of the ocean, I have to go back. I want to go back. Have you ever just walked away from the shore until your clothing is completely plastered to your skin and your hair is wet and you feel such joy and it's enough? God, I want to do that again.  

A closing to 2022

The year is closing, like a curtain. I wanted to write something to wrap up the year.
It hasn't been easy (nothing ever is, in my experience), but there have been good bits mixed in with the unpleasant ones, like starting this blog for example. This year has been good. I've lost a friend, but also met new ones. High school hasn't been smooth (quite the opposite, really). This semester hasn't been the best or what I thought it would be like- I suppose that's a side effect of reading too many books. I think the next one will be better. But this year has still been good. I did things. I went places. I read books. I wrote stuff.  

"It is a muggy August morning in the air in the room is still. Well over half the year has gone by already, which is a worry. I wanted to make something of myself this year. There's still time, I think. Definitely some time."   -  Yrsa Dalev-Ward

See you in 2023!

Power boots

The other day I was wondering whether to wear my sneakers again and I didn't want to wear my full-on winter- in- Canada- boots so I found these other boots. They have white fur on the inside for warmth and are on the small side so I wouldn't have to carry around another pair of shoes all day (I normally carry a change of shoes in the winter because my boots are huge). And I had this thought: Maybe I shouldn't wear these shoes. Maybe I shouldn't wear these new shoes because they're different and people will notice the difference. And I did not want that to happen. My anxiety showed up at the thought of this happening. I know that this thought process was not healthy and that it was probably from the devil (because that's where all bad thoughts come from) and you wanna know something? I decided: Who cares? I can wear whatever I want. This makes me feel good about myself. I deserve to feel good. 

So I wore the boots. 👢👢

Late night driving

    Nothing mattered. Not the school day tomorrow, not the next day, or the day after that. What mattered was that I was driving my grandfather's twenty-two-year-old corolla for the first time in my life, pressing my foot up against the gas pedal. The brakes were shot, pretty much non-existent. My brother was in the passenger seat, making remarks and comments and smiling. My sister and dad were in the back, filming the whole thing. I've never felt happier.   

    As I got out of the car, I thought of a quote from a book I read during the summer: "This one moment when you know you're not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you're listening to that song and that drive with the people you love most in this world. And at this moment I swear, we are infinite."

PS: I don't have my license yet and haven't turned sixteen yet! #illegal ;)

Flinch; a character

 "All I know is what I wonder: Which of my feelings are real? Which of the mes is me? There was only one and he was good and awake as long as he could be."

- The real you loved Violet Markey. That's all that mattered; you were happiest when you were with her. She loved you because you were Theodore Finch; in all your forms. All your versions loved Violet Markey with all your soul. You were alive and whole with her. That's who you are.